Alejandro Borges (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
arachnophobe) wrote2012-01-13 11:12 pm
arachnophobe) wrote2012-01-13 11:12 pm
TEXT with visuals;
So it's quickly become apparent to me just how uneducated everyone is about spiders and how they're going to kill us all one day. I figured that I'd better inform everyone as carefully as I can with the straight up facts before we are one day faced with a spiderpocalypse, since we'd be pretty dead by that point anyway.
First of all, I realize many of you are aliens or might come from a gracious universe where spiders don't exist. Therefore, you probably have no goddamn idea what a spider even is. Let me get you a visual on these fuckers.
Each leg is designed for one thing: DEATH.
Sure, it's just a picture and it doesn't really fully display the full terror these bastards cause in every single human. And yes, I mean every single human! I don't care if your testicles are the sizes of basketballs, you too sir fears these fuckers, even if you aren't willing to openly admit it. Why? Let me make the list:
1. They're big
2. They're hairy
3. They're gross
4. They're poisonous
5. They're full of hate and want you to die
6. They will land on your head while you are innocently playing Skyrune XII: Shadows of Fate at 3:00 AM in order to make you scream and nearly piss yourself
7. They will also hang out in your bed just so that they can bite you, inject you with their babies, and scamper off into the night
8. Fuck you, you know I'm right
Not convinced? Here's another image.
Why is this picture blurry? Because these agents of death are nearly as fast as blue rodents, that's why.
Sure, some people might try to convince you that spiders are actually good for something. I can confidently tell you that they're goddamn liars and also a traitor to every other species in the entire galaxy/universe/multiverse/EVERYWHERE. These people will try to tell you that spiders benefit the ecosystem, with hunting out pests like wasps, roaches, and the like. Sure, spiders might do this -- for practice.
THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A ROACH TO ME
Why would people lie about this? I have two theories. One, they've been brainwashed by the spiders in order to better adapt into our innocent lives so they will eventually bring about our deaths so that they may have their spiderkingdom. Two, they're spider-lovers and -- as I said before -- traitors.
If you need some example of what a spider-lover/traitor looks like, look no further.
Also bear in mind these spider-lovers are about seven feet tall and will hug the shit out of you.
I think what's also important here is to share some examples of the kind of shit that used to live in Puerto Rico.
Why? Because you don't know true spider terror until you've been there.
This one is called a spider-whip-scorpion. HOLY SHIT WHY ARE THERE TWO ARACHNIDS IN THAT NAME.
WHY DO THEY HAVE ARMS? To strangle you in your sleep THAT'S WHY.
Just a few examples. Try living with that every day. And you will now, because they're going to invade your thoughts. Your dreams. Your skin is itching right now and you just want to scream AAAAHHH OH GOD I FEEL THEM EVERYWHERE
Here are some other examples I'll put up before I go to cry myself to sleep:
I'll just choose to not wipe my ass this round, spider.
I can only sob now. There will be blubbering and begging for a swift death.
WHAT. WHAT. YOU CAN'T BE IN COOKIES. OH MY GOD EVERYTHING IS RUINED.
In conclusion, here is what you should have learned today:
First of all, I realize many of you are aliens or might come from a gracious universe where spiders don't exist. Therefore, you probably have no goddamn idea what a spider even is. Let me get you a visual on these fuckers.
Each leg is designed for one thing: DEATH.
Sure, it's just a picture and it doesn't really fully display the full terror these bastards cause in every single human. And yes, I mean every single human! I don't care if your testicles are the sizes of basketballs, you too sir fears these fuckers, even if you aren't willing to openly admit it. Why? Let me make the list:
1. They're big
2. They're hairy
3. They're gross
4. They're poisonous
5. They're full of hate and want you to die
6. They will land on your head while you are innocently playing Skyrune XII: Shadows of Fate at 3:00 AM in order to make you scream and nearly piss yourself
7. They will also hang out in your bed just so that they can bite you, inject you with their babies, and scamper off into the night
8. Fuck you, you know I'm right
Not convinced? Here's another image.
Why is this picture blurry? Because these agents of death are nearly as fast as blue rodents, that's why.
Sure, some people might try to convince you that spiders are actually good for something. I can confidently tell you that they're goddamn liars and also a traitor to every other species in the entire galaxy/universe/multiverse/EVERYWHERE. These people will try to tell you that spiders benefit the ecosystem, with hunting out pests like wasps, roaches, and the like. Sure, spiders might do this -- for practice.
THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A ROACH TO ME
Why would people lie about this? I have two theories. One, they've been brainwashed by the spiders in order to better adapt into our innocent lives so they will eventually bring about our deaths so that they may have their spiderkingdom. Two, they're spider-lovers and -- as I said before -- traitors.
If you need some example of what a spider-lover/traitor looks like, look no further.
Also bear in mind these spider-lovers are about seven feet tall and will hug the shit out of you.
I think what's also important here is to share some examples of the kind of shit that used to live in Puerto Rico.
Why? Because you don't know true spider terror until you've been there.
This one is called a spider-whip-scorpion. HOLY SHIT WHY ARE THERE TWO ARACHNIDS IN THAT NAME.
WHY DO THEY HAVE ARMS? To strangle you in your sleep THAT'S WHY.
Just a few examples. Try living with that every day. And you will now, because they're going to invade your thoughts. Your dreams. Your skin is itching right now and you just want to scream AAAAHHH OH GOD I FEEL THEM EVERYWHERE
Here are some other examples I'll put up before I go to cry myself to sleep:
I'll just choose to not wipe my ass this round, spider.
I can only sob now. There will be blubbering and begging for a swift death.
WHAT. WHAT. YOU CAN'T BE IN COOKIES. OH MY GOD EVERYTHING IS RUINED.
In conclusion, here is what you should have learned today: